Category: Uncategorized

So April is over … were the fuck did that go? It was only Christmas 2 weeks ago… Now I am sounding like my parents, so does time appear to go faster as you get older, or are we just more aware of time? Though five extra minutes in bed on a Monday morning certainly goes faster than five minutes in the dentists chair…

Anyway I digress… Back to the subject of a back fat. At what point do you develop this strange overhang that is partly tucked into your bra and the other roll smiles back at you from a changing room mirror?. Of which, I recommend that you NEVER EVER try anything on in & Other Stories, in their changing room. The lighting and mirror arrangement allows you to study every roll, crease and droop that you didn’t know you had! I don’t need to see my strangely proportioned back view, ever.. Ladies, ignorance really is bliss when it comes to back fat. From the front I appear to be ‘reasonably’ slim, however from the back I have sagging rolls that I obviously and unintentionally tuck into my jeans as I am blissfully unaware of this strange addition to my 50 year old body. I always thought that the gym was the place to discover what you actually looked like. However as my eyesight starts to recommend reading glasses to complement my glasses for driving (I refuse to wear bi-focals…yet) I am aware that I cannot actually see myself clearly in any mirror at the gym, plus when I do actually venture to the gym, my Lululemon tank holds everything in (including my internal organs), its so tight. So maybe that’s the answer?…. no glasses/contact lenses and a lycra top so tight its the equivalent of a Victorian corset….

Fat back at 50… I wonder if that’s a hashtag?

I realise my ‘blog’ makes regular references to alcohol and probably not enough references to Avocado’s and crushed chillies for some people, but then I’ve never been a trend setter (or indeed ‘early adopter;), more of a fuck em and see sort of girl. I also realise that much as I would like to have my old figure of my thirties, short of living off apple cores and drinking water, whilst spending the majority of my time at the gym ( most of which is spent trying to either get out or into my Lulu Lemon top), that time is well and truly in the past.

So I’m not sure there is a real point to this particular rambling, except to say its ‘tosser’ Tuesday and soon to be ‘wanky’ Wednesday – then its fab `Thursday’ followed by the inimitable  Fizzy Friday….the theme being I need to be able to fill my weekdays with more ‘fizz’ (a figure of speech for a school day) as life seems to be speeding up at a rate that means in a blink of an eye, I’ll soon be sipping the Prosecco, sat in a Shackelton High Street Original Chair, wearing my finest cardigan from Edinburgh Woollen Mill and I am not ready for cardigans… more week day fizz required….

Well there I was back in January, entering my 50’s with such vision of becoming the ‘best version of myself’ (too many self help books me thinks!). So far that has not quite happened. How the hell did April suddenly arrive? without warning me that we are already more than a quarter through the year….. So how does being 50 feel? The night sweats are increasing, my short term memory is decreasing, my eyesight appears to have given me the opportunity to own reading glasses that would not go amiss on a Buggles video (you need to be certain age to understand that reference!), my once slim(ish) figure has been sponsored by Warburtons (slightly doughy with my arse having the appearance of a crumpet) and my patience for dealing with dick heads has completely  disappeared… but with all those little irritations, being 50 allows me to be me and not give a shit what anyone else thinks, and that’s extremely liberating…..

Well my intention to hammer the gym and develop a figure that no longer resembles a Toby Jug has not yet come to fruition. Still, there is one week left and I’m sure with major surgery I could achieve my aim. However I have been to the gym this month (more than once may I add…). I invested in a Lululemon fitness tank recently, it looks great, however its so tight that getting in and out of it, creates such pre and post workout anxiety I’m not sure the small mortgage I took out to buy it, is actually worth it. With a built in bra (or shelf if you want to give it the correct reference) its more a piece of construction which not only holds your boobs in place but also stops you breathing properly.. The end result is more corset than work out tank…that combined with my Nike Pro tights, ensures that I am at least trying to look the part…

And so…. February resulted in ONE paltry visit to the gym… This is not a fitness regime that will propel me into a size 10 bikini anytime soon. I definitely need to rethink this and devise a cunning plan…. I have down loaded the relevant apps..’Workout for Women’ (where I can choose from Angel Abs, angel Butt, Booty attention and other patronising fitness choices. Whatever happened  to cardio workout, bums & tums and my favourite from the 80’s – Reebok step aerobics !?!). I follow various ‘fabulous at 50’ insta accounts (to make me feel even more guilty and inadequate, that I have to a glass of Merlot. I have a FitBit which I religiously wear every day and I am fully aware of how many steps it takes to walk to the wine bar (7,400 return trip!). I ensure that I take the stairs at every opportunity and when I do eventually get to the gym, I do not park as near to the entrance as possible (watching gym bunnies drive round and round in their Range Rover Evoque trying to park as close to the door as possible, before trotting out in their best Sweaty Betty attire… However these little contributions do not seem to make any difference to my widening midriff…

So it’s mid riff March and I am determined to make a massive effort to get my booty off the sofa and do more exercise. I will of course report back on a regular basis on how, when and if my new fitness regime actually works… If not there is always an opportunity to spend £3.97 in Asda and invest in this genius accessory ! Never stop developing things I didn’t know I didn’t want – thank you JML

 

 

The concept of ‘dry January’ has passed me by. Why would I want to make the longest month of the year a ‘dry’ one and face the aftermath of Christmas with an alcohol free month? I also have the excuse that it’s my birthday in January and this year, I faced a new era… yes that new decade when I am in the 50’s bracket. Evidently I now qualify for SAGA insurance and I do believe that Sir Michael Parkinson will send me a free pen in part change for some age related product (life insurance with no checks or wills, its all new to me?). So to celebrate this half century we spent an excellent Saturday afternoon in the Vodka bar in Krakow. The taster board was superb and after 8 glasses I can throughly recommend caramel vodka, washed down with plum vodka… And to continue this momentous birthday I plan to enjoy as much of my next 50 years as possible…

So for me it’s ‘Fuck it February’ and Merlot, Edinburgh Gin and the odd glass of fizz remains firmly on the menu! However approaching and achieving 50 has given me a new focus, as unless I live to the age of 100, I have already lived more than half of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I fully intend to live to 100+, (elasticated trousers and belly warming knickers aside), 100 will be the new 70…

So to achieve this next major mile stone, I do (probably) need to take a slight glance of how I am living my current life… And I am becoming much more aware that I need to include various aspects of healthy living on a more regular basis (wine, one of my 5 a day still counts) So I have purchased a new pair of Nike Vapor Max and February is my first fitness month of the year. I just need to stop wearing them for shopping  and get to the gym….

OK, so I haven’t really got the hang of regular blogging. Somehow I don’t think anyone will be interested in my mid life musings, so I use this as a primary excuse to not do anything, that and the draw of a glass of Merlot and Netflix (no chill!).

And so, my 50th birthday arrived and with it a weekend away with friends which proved entertaining and eventful. It started with the cat… and his absolute refusal to get into the cat carrier. High pitched meowing, front legs locked and splayed out like a star fish. The normally chilled Arnold, decided that wriggling and scratching would also be introduced. His Aldi (ok we bought this as an interim kitten carrier when we picked him up from the rescue centre, he’s just grown too quickly) –  20 minutes later and I’m starting to get airport anxiety, with the fear of not only missing the flight, but also missing the airport lounge which we’d been booked into! (Birthday bubbles etc..) SO there was no other option… take him to the cattery in a cardboard box, which we could ‘pop’ him into… and the only card box I had was what my lawn mower came in… and its not a small lawn mower. So now it took two of us to go to the cattery (sod the last minute packing). Me on the back seat with the meowing lawn mower and one to drive. Arriving at the cattery (which we have never used before… who says first impressions count?). We left him in his new cat cell (with heated bed) and made a dash back to complete the packing…..

Now to the suitcase, its a faithful case that has endured many long haul business trips and probably had a few more left… until, He decided it was a good idea to try and close it using the expandable zip (never used) – said zip then broke, leaving an expanded suitcase which wasn’t fully packed, so there was a slight unpredictability about it, that I am sure the baggage handlers would have managed to exploit… no time to repack (as no other suitcase). So off we went we the now expanded case, to pick up our friends. Already fraught with cat and case anxiety, the holiday had begun…

Next time, how to find a restaurant that doesn’t resemble a 1970’s kitchen. Laughing inappropriately and discovering the Vodka bar….

Well, were do I start? I have ‘tried’ to gain a ‘fabulous at 50’ approach to my up and coming BIG Birthday. This includes going to the gym – I am currently averaging once a week. Eating healthily – ‘dinner’ one night this week, was a large glass of Merlot, large bag of cheese and onion crips (one of my 5 a day?) and a bag of chocolate covered raisins (another one of my 5 a day perhaps?).

I have approximately 4 weeks to look ‘fabulous’ darling… that’s not going to happen. With Christmas coming up, this involves compulsory mulled wine, mince pies and gallons of Prosecco, the only time I will be fabulous is when I’m not wearing my glasses whilst looking in the mirror. So to help, I have invested in the ‘revolutionary’ M&S moisturiser, which evidently you apply at night and you wake up the next day, looking 10 years younger… watch this space…. A close ‘friend’ asked last week, if I’d be offended if she bought me Botox for my birthday…? Actually, I’m not, I’m more afraid of looking like a candle. Plus I am noted for my familiar scowl and permanent frown – its my default resting bitch face.. So I will still ‘try’ to improve my diet and increase the exercise to at least two gym visits a week.

It is with a heavy heart, that living with the cat is no more…. he unexpectantly and suddenly passed away late last week… Now this isn’t a blog about cats (if it was I would get far more followers..) However I feel that I need to write about the massive (and unexpected) hole that my pet cat has left, on his sudden demise. He has spent his entire short life ( 3 years and 5 months) living with me, before a short spell with the RSPCA before being noticed/he picked me….

So, a middle aged woman loses her cat… not stereo-typical at all, however the support and love from friends and ‘Facebook’ friends has been so supportive, that I wonder if this is the new way of virtual support? I have received facebook messages (all welcome and appreciated), whats app messages and text messages … however just two actual phone calls.. is this the way forward in communicating? A ‘like’, ‘sorry face’, quick ‘whats app’ message or a text? Don’t judge me, I am grateful for all support, however in this age of 24 hour communication, its a[[ears to be actually mainly virtual… real communication is dying away. Living by the screen, waiting for a ‘like’ or a virtual approval, isnt a future that appeals. Pick the phone up, pop round for a quick hello and a coffee (how old fashioned am I?), but don’t let our I-phone led world take over… life is too short and too precious to ‘like’ everything yet experience very little…

In memory of my beautiful and daft ginger ball of fun, RIP Wolfie the Cat xxx